I was terrified at first, the thought of taking tablets to stabilise my moods.
I guess it was the thought of not feeling in control, but I wasn’t in control of my emotions anyway.
Something I have realised, since being diagnosed with PTSD and PND is that If I don’t feel in control of my own mind and body, my anxiety levels and emotions become worse.
I guess it’s because I wasn’t in control of my birth and I felt like I wasn’t in control of my own body after the birth either. I felt like a shell rather than a person with a soul. It’s the only way I can explain it. As I’ve said previously, I felt I was stripped of my dignity that day so for me feeling in control of my body is important now.
I tried antidepressants in the early days and became quite ill. The side effects were horrendous. I couldn’t get out of bed and I couldn’t stand up. I was so dizzy and sick. The room was constantly spinning. It was awful.
With hubby working away I couldn’t afford to be ill because I had to take care of little miss. I struggled on without taking them and I really was struggling. I sort counselling and CBT helped me. Still I had very low days, where I thought about packing a bag and leaving.
I cried most days and thought what if? It wasn’t till I started having suicidal thoughts that I thought about going back on meds. This time I tried a different brand. They have helped massively. I felt like I could get up and enjoy my day a little more. It took me from zero to five. I no longer have suicidal thoughts. I was having them most days. I have very few side effects, a bit of insomnia, a little dizziness and nausea. Nothing like I previously had. I still have bad days but there not as intense. I think it’s trial and error. Finding the right medication that suits your body. I’m no longer ashamed at the thought of being on meds. It means I can function a little better and that means a lot to me.
I don’t want my daughter only seeing the bad days.
I believe it’s good for our children to see different emotions, so they grow up understanding it’s OK to express their emotions. But I don’t want her only seeing the bad. I spent two years of her life just trying to get through rather than fully enjoying being a mum. This will be my only opportunity as we don’t plan on having another so if the tablets help then I’m all for them.
How has antidepressants helped you?